Excuse Me Sir, I'm Looking For A Young Man In A Bow-Tie: This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

It's the SEASON FINALE!

Before I watch and find out what happens, before I analyze and recap the clothes, before I write this post, I have to say: Blair and Chuck. Oh Blair and Chuck! I am always and forever rooting for you, Blair and Chuck, Chuck and Blair. But we shall see how this all goes for our pair.

Blair's floral wrap dress is another great one. The colors, the shape, the fit; it's all perfect.

I have mixed feelings about the sleeveless green trapeze pea coat though. Is that how you would describe it? Who knows. Anyway, it was a nice color but those shoulder pads are not for Blair. Didn't she famously say that they overwhelm her delicate frame? They do, B. A green item I do not have mixed feelings about: the lime green pumps. Hideous. I don't care if they are Louboutin's. They are ugly. But somehow because of that, they are appropriate for a field trip to Brooklyn.

Georgina's Russian get-up is as ridiculous as her fake accent and her weave is worse then Jenny's. Tonight, Rufus' hair is the best (i.e. least-worst) Humphrey hair.

OK I'm at the half way point and I have to pause the clothes recap to say that I hate Jenny Humphrey. How dare she kiss Chuck on the night of the great Blair and Chuck reunion! Skank!

Back to the fashion: Serena's accessories in the hospital are gorgeous but inappropriate as usual. (I want those purple rhinestone earrings!) And I have to say, for a girl that never goes clubbing she is always dressed for one. I guess if you are Serena, you can treat any place like a steamy night club, even a coat check room, even a hospital.

Back to the show: Oh my god, Jenny and Chuck had sex?! WTF! This can't be! How did this happen? No way they drank that much. No way.

Fashion: About Jenny's shoes in the crying hospital chapel scene: divine. Closed bootie on the inside, t-strap on the outside; what designer thought of this genius half-and-half creation? I must find out!

Show: And now Dan punched Chuck just as he's about to propose to Blair?! This is too much for me to take. I can't.

Fashion: And then there's Georgina. Oh, Georgina, to wear sparkly spandex is one thing (that Serena knows a lot about), but to wear sparkly spandex over your pregnant belly? This is never under any circumstances allowed and for that you are now banished back to Russia. Forever.

I can't even talk about fashion anymore. Chuck just got shot. This is too over the top. Oh and the thieves have the ring! This is the most depressing cliff-hanger EVER. Last year's season finale was so sweet. How I long for that time again. But now, now there is nothing. With all the couples broken up, Dan a daddy, and Chuck wounded, drunk, and alone in Prague or wherever; there is no light at the end of this bleak tunnel. Only an evil Georgina spawn, and an endless summer of loneliness for Blair in Paris.

Oh Chuck and Blair, why can't you ever get it together?

So there was no fashion winner for tonight's show. There are only losers. And now we wait.

Until next season, Au revoir.

High Fashion Fit For Flight: This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

This week's Gossip Girl opened with a Henri Bendel hat box and, "New day, new designer." How perfect! It must be a sign I thought, a sign that my new Gossip Girl clothing recapping is the right fit for the season. From the Henri Bendel hat box the camera panned down to a Saks hat box, a Matthew Williamson shopping bag, a Chanel shopping bag, a Christian Louboutin shoe box, a Lanvin shoe box, and Prada shoe box! Someone at the CW must be reading my blog! However, they forgot to include the Alexander Wang boot box. I'll let it slide, CW, just this one time.

Now, to the clothes!

Blair looked good on her date while they were in her apartment but what was that awful car coat she wore when they went out to track down Holland? And while were on the topic of Blair's first date mistakes, what eighteen year old has a first date in her parents living room?

Not to worry though, Blair redeemed herself in a stunning brown floral gown at the Library Benefit which somehow everyone on the show managed to have a reason to attend, the day of. Typical. Of the attendees, Serena won the prize for slutiest, as usual. She chose to show up at the invite only, black tie event for old people in a gold scarf. Let me clarify, she wore just a gold scarf. She wrapped it around her butt and draped it over one shoulder. It was not a dress and certainly not a gown. It was a scarf.

Jenny looked hot and goth as she slithered through the party all snake-like.

But Liliy won the fashion contest again this week with her knock-out helicopter dress. Leave it to Lily Van der Woodsen to dress for a midnight flight to Palm Beach in a one shoulder, belted dress in a helicopter print! To. Die. For.

Faking An Illness Makes For Great Fashion Apparently: This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

For this week’s Gossip Girl recap I’m going to try something new and if it goes well I might stick with it. Here’s the plan: make the recap itself secondary while giving the spotlight to the clothes worn by the characters. How does that sound? I figure with the best couple broken up there’s not much earth-shattering Gossip Girl action to report on anyway. (Is it comical or is it sad that I find the goings-on of the Chuck and Blair duo earth-shattering? I’m going to go with comical for the sake of my ego.)

So, without further ado, what the heck was Queen of the Squatters Vanessa wearing for her first two scenes last night? Purple sequins!?! First of all, purple is Chuck’s color and is therefore off limits to all outer borough dwelling heathens. Second of all and as another general rule, sequins are not to be worn under any circumstances (1) before sun down, (2) on any day other then a Thursday, Friday, or Saturday, and (3) more then once every two weeks. Though it is unclear what day of the week this episode begins on it is very certainly morning and I’m pretty sure this is Vanessa’s second sequin offense in about a week. So there. Vanessa is the pits.

Next! Serena looks hot and skinny in that long sleeved blue dress. Perfect for breakfast with the boy-toy, not so appropriate for breakfast with the fam. But I will let it slide because she at least chose a boob covering garment for once.

Jenny looks gother and gother every week. I love it. Also, she changes after breakfast into a second goth but sorta punk look. It is not as cool as the first goth look but she gets points for variety - black with black and black can become repetitive.

Also dining in style is Lily. Her pink taffeta breakfast dress with the zipper on the shoulder is amazing. I'm thinking Oscar de la Renta. But what is that under garment she has peeking out below her arm? It looks like a tank but surely the dress is lined. Why would anyone layer such a look? This one is a mystery to me.

At the Columbia gala for Dr. V everyone gets dressed up and there is a lot to report on. Serena's bandage dress with the Michael Jackson bejeweled shoulder makes her look fat and old. Also, Serena Shops A Lot should know that this MJ look was out as soon as it was in. Blair's red textured dress, on the other hand, is perfectly modern and young. Spot on, B - and congratulation on getting into Columbia as well. Later, as the party is coming to a close, Jenny get's found out for being a fake-oxy drug dealing brat in front of her dad. It is at this moment that we see her tiny Rodarte dress. It is lovely from the waist down but way too tight up top.

But Lily wins the evening for her belted gold to blue fade Prada dress. True it is not this season or even this year, but the Prada Fall 2007 collection was stunning and is definitely worth bringing back. So that's that. For the breakfast dress and the Columbia gala gown, Lily is crowned this week's style maven - that is, until next week.

Sure Vanessa Would Party In Bushwick But I'm Not Buying Chuck At The Party, No Way, And Blair, You Gotta Be Kidding Me: This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

Oh I never tire of seeing that Letters To Juliet commercial – I just love Amanda Seyfried!

Also on the tee-vee last night was this little show called Gossip Girl, maybe you've heard of it? Well, in case you haven't, it's a show about gorgeous teenagers that never go to class but instead tromp around the Upper East Side dressed only in Donna Karan and Bottega Veneta. They fight and drink and smooch and fight some more - hearts are broken and mild cases of alcoholism become severe. It's just like real life. Let me tell you about it.

On tonight's episode Serena's dad finally showed his face, we found out Lily's secret, Jenny teamed up with Chuck to steal away Nate, Dan got a rejection letter, and Blair almost kissed a Columbia boy. The most awesome part of the episode was when Serena agreed to have coffee with her dad but requested first that he give her a moment to change into a more appropriate outfit: a low cut, short, red dress. The saddest part of the episode was watching Chuck watch Blair reaffirm her broken heart to him. Oh those two!

But before I get into the full-on recap I have a few things to say. First of all, of course Serena is a Baldwin. Second of all, that was not a Bushwick party. If it had been there would have been more drugs, less art, and no one from the cast of Gossip Girl. And third of all, Nate is an insecure brunette who has an unnatural love for designer handbags - duh! OK, I feel better now.

So let's start with Billy Baldwin. Yes, he is Serena's papa, and also Lily's doctor. Lily's awful secret is that she has cancer and that the ex-hubby is treating her. It’s very sad and serious because it’s the only real crisis on this show about fake drama. Because of that, most of the episode was very somber and we got to see a lot of footage of Serena motionless, deep in thought, looking into the distance, blinking. Here’s what happened: Lily got some good test results, Lily got some bad test results, everyone worried and Serena kept blinking. So far it seems like William (that’s what they call Billy Baldwin on the show) is being a good guy and has nothing more then his ex-wife’s best interest in mind. That being said, he acts so creepy. Rufus doesn’t trust him, that’s for sure. Serena is at first a little bit upset about his fourteen year disappearance, but she eventually comes around. And Lily, in her fragile state, seems quite enamored by him. There are also a few awkward scenes where Lily passionately kisses Rufus while he, unable to trust her but equally unable to push away a sick women, takes on the motionless blinking Serena pose.

Last night’s William character was only bested in the creepy obsessive department by Jenny the Snake as she continued to try to steal Nate from Serena. Here’s how far Jenny got: She slept over in Nate’s bed (while he slept on the couch), she made Serena suspicious and caused her to fight with her man, she partied with Nate (at a party that supposedly took place in Bushwick but was probably really in Dumbo), and she got Nate drunk and alone. But even with Chuck’s master plan going just right, Jenny was still unable to bait her Nate. As she leaned in for the kiss Nate quickly pulled away saying, “Jenny, I’m ga- with Serena.” Poor Little J, always going for the unavailable type. After being rebuffed by her crush with Serena watching, no less, Jenny gathered up her silver pentagrams, clove incense, and JTHM books and crawled out the window onto the slippery fire escape. Once there, she opened up the antique locket hanging from her necklace and with a light blow aided by the chilly night breeze, out flew a golden lock of hair. She watched it fly around for a moment until it caught a rain drop and plummeted down and out of sight. He’s gone, she thought, gone forever. And with that she pulled the long strap of her Alexander Wang bag over her head and across her chest and climbed down the slippery fire escape into the black night below.

Meanwhile, at a party in Dumbo, Dan and Vanessa had a fight about something I was so completely disinterested in that to attempt to recap it here would be pointless and I know you don’t care anyway.

Also at the party were Chuck with a couple of Russian models and Blair with the Columbia Basketball team’s MVP (and by Columbia Basketball team’s MVP I mean tall guy that attends Columbia that has played basketball a few times in his life). But nothing came of either the Blair coupling or the Chuck sandwich because both are still hopelessly in love with each other and totally heartbroken and not anywhere near being able to move on. Like Dorota said, “Love is a head wound.” And they are both still hemorrhaging blood. So it was sad. Basically the whole episode was sad; between Lily being sick, Rufus being stuck, Jenny alone in the rain, mascara dripping down her cheeks, Dan being his regular pathetic self, and these two being broken up still, it was downright depressing.

So that’s that. Another week in the lives of the glamorous Upper East Side teen elite. The more we watch, the more we see, it’s really only pretty from the outside looking in.

It's All About Blair And Chuck (At Dorota's Wedding): This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

It's all about Blair and Chuck. I have always said this but now it really is true. What an episode! What a show stopper! Not to mention that the homeless woman Dan's been hanging out with was out of town – What a relief! This episode was the real Gossip Girl drama I first fell for, so many seasons ago. But before we get to the tearjerker couple, let's recap the supporting cast, shall we?

First and foremost, Dorota and Vanya got married! But it wasn't just any wedding. It was a traditional Polish wedding given by none other then pastel suited Chuck Bass – more about that later. The wedding was perfect and beautiful, traditional and simple, except for frail tear soaked Blair – more about that later. But nevertheless Dorota and Vanya got married, kissed, and the party ensued!

At the party, Jenny continued to step on Serena's heels and Nate continued to think she was just being sweet, sisterly Jenny. Silly Nate, you should know by now that Upper East Side women always have a hidden agenda. And just as Jenny got the courage to make her move again, Serena left the party, how convenient. But she left with Carter, eww. He's looking extra slimy and extra extra eye twitchy right now. See Carter is back in town and he's busy wrapping Serena around his greasy finger all under the guise of finding her dearest daddy. And it took Serena forever to catch on but once she did she made like a big girl and kicked him out of the limo and onto the curb in the middle of Queens. Good news for Nate but he won't get this message seeing as Little J is screening his calls. Damn cell phone, can't ever keep track of that little ringing gadget! So on Serena went, to see her dad, I mean, her mom? Wait, mom? Mom, why the hell are you in my dad's Palm Beach hotel room!? I guess the slutty apple doesn't fall far from the slutty tree.

Meanwhile, Rufus finally tries to contact his wife after how many weeks now and realizes that she's not where she said she would be. Did this not already happen this season? Anyway, it won't be long until he finds out what Serena knows and then the slutty shit will hit the fan. Oh, and there was a funny Rufus moment when he was on the phone with the hotel reservationist reciting all of the possible names Lily may have booked her stay under: Lily Humpfrey, Lily Bass, Lily van der Woodsen, Lily Rhodes... Ha!

Also at the party was that skinny gay boy that Jenny met at sewing camp a few years back. You'd think that the way everyone ignores him he's take the hint but he just won't go away! So yeah, he was there and his crush came to the party to surprise him but he brought his girlfriend. Major bummer. But then he dumped his girlfriend and admitted to being bi, which by the way doesn't exist for men over the age of seventeen so that girlfriend was most likely his last. So good news for Tagalong!

And now to the main event: Blair and Chuck. Oh Blair and Chuck! Is it really over? It can’t be! See Chuck set up the whole Polish extravaganza to win back Blair. He bought her a Cartier necklace; he begged for her forgiveness. But Blair wasn’t having it – she's still too distraught over what he’d done to her and what she’d been willing to do for him. Oh the ugly places love takes you! The murky mood changed for the worse when Blair finally did give in to Chuck but only on the grounds that they are both horrid scum and that they deserve each other’s awful company while they burn in hell together. Yes, gossip Girl really did get this dark. Chuck rebuffed her of course, his ego wounded, and Blair cried black tears at the joyous wedding. The most gut wrenching part was watching Chuck’s face as he watched Blair come apart – that Ed Westwick has really got the tormented despair thing down! It all ended when Chuck pleaded, “Blair, don't bail on me. We have to see this through to the end,” and her reply, “This is the end, Chuck.” Ugh! I can’t!

And just like that, Blair was doing shots with Dan and Chuck was taking some Brighton Beach floozy back to his penthouse.

Hit The Road Jack, And Don't Ya Come Back No More: This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

Last night on the premier of the new Chase Crawford movie, Twel – I mean on last night’s episode of Gossip Girl (Jeeze, how did I confuse the two?) the Upper East Side became a battlefield. Jenny battled Serena for Nate, Blair fought Jack for Chuck, Chuck betrayed Blair for the Empire, and Dan and Vanessa wrote crappy plays that they argued with each other about.

But before we get to that, more important matters need to be addressed. Last night, in the marble lobby, with the evening sun glinting through the revolving glass doors, Vanya got down on one knee and opened a little black box for Dorota to see. Inside was a diamond ring fit for a princess; Dorota squealed, Vanya put the ring on her finger, Eric awkwardly eye-sexed his new boyfriend, and all was a pastel blur of Eastern European smiles and sweet sweet dreams.

It was a day to celebrate. Dorota will finally have her king and Nate is one year older – in human years, at least. And for her boyfriend’s birthday Serena planned the most fabulous Upper East Side party she could muster, a game of Assassin. Wait, Assassin? That’s what the kids are doing these days? I must really be out of the loop. Anyway, she bought some handcuffs and holsters at Agent Provocateur and invited a bunch of NYU students that no one on the show actually knows (why couldn’t Blair just do this for the fashion show?) and they all waited for Nate to show up to yell “Surprise! Serena didn’t forget about your birthday after all, in fact she invited us all here to try to kill you today!” But nothing ever goes off without a hitch on Gossip Girl. Apparently the period of reforming herself ended this week when Jenny decided to try to get Nate dumped by Serena on his birthday. And though it didn’t work – yet – she did put in a pretty good effort: 1. She got him to blow off his plans with Grandfather to take her out to lunch instead; 2. She got him to stay with her past his Serena curfew of 3pm; 3. She got him to extend the lunch date with her to lunch and a movie; 4. She managed to assassin Serena right in front of him – Skank!; and 5. She kissed him, however unrequited, in the store room of some restaurant – Double skank! And on top of that she won the stupid fake assassination game. But in the end Jenny only evil-eyed her prize as he walked, handcuffed, up the stairs with Serena. Sad little J never gets what she wants.

Speaking of getting what he wants: Chuck. Boy, oh boy, does Chuck get what he wants. Well, what he thinks he wants, at least. See Jack had the Empire and Chuck needed to get it back to validate his success and to prove his dead father wrong. He needed the Empire back because without it he is a mopey-eyed sad bass. And the only thing that Jack would take in exchange for the Empire was Blair. But Chuck wouldn’t ever dream of asking her to defile herself that way, to be used for business. At least that’s what we all thought sitting captive on the couch. So Evil Jack went straight to Blair and propositioned her, and, like a classic Upper East Side Dame, she rebuffed him on his first try but caved for a Matthew Williamson gown. Actually, she was going to Jack for Chuck, because after spinning the moral dilemma she decided that to sleep with Jack for Chuck’s Empire was ok and worth a try. (By the way she couldn’t even run this one by Serena knowing she would shoot it down and Blair, if it involves sex and Serena thinks it’s morally wrong, then it is very very morally wrong.) But Blair put on the gown and went to Jack. Jack, however, stopped short with one kiss and told Blair the truth: that her beloved Chuck had set the whole thing up, had sent Jack to her, had bought the dress, had left the note, and had known that Blair would do it for him. Chuck knew that Blair would sleep with Jack and that Jack wouldn’t want to sleep with Blair if she had come to him sent from Chuck. He knew that Jack would tell Blair that she was set up by her man and that she would hate him forever for it. Chuck knew that Blair would see that the Empire was more important to him then her. And so it was.

With a slap in Chuck’s face, Blair went off into the cold night ruined and alone. And proud Chuck reclaimed his penthouse alone as well. But we know, that as sure as the sun will rise over Park Avenue, Chuck will see that Jack has won. And Chuck will see that he has nothing without love.

And that was all that happened that was worth recapping. Yes, a poor girl from Brooklyn and some hairy ape boy applied to Tisch, but no one cared. And yes, a little gay boy got asked out, but he had no friends and no parents so again, no one cared. Oh, well. It’s hard being a teen and it’s even harder being an Upper East Sider. And on this week’s battlefield, even the winners – Jenny the Assassin and Chuck the hotel proprietor once more – didn’t win.

The Week That Amounted To Absolutely Nothing On Gossip Girl

Not much really happened on last night’s Gossip Girl. Vanessa and Dan continued to induce puking with their talk of “benefits” and their slimy face mashing. Please, please for the love of God, go back to being just friends or frenemies or anything other than this. I don’t know how many more Monday nights I can spend cleaning the couch after I have involuntarily vomited all over it. I just paid off the Crate and Barrel credit card and now I may have to open up my account again for a new sofa, can you believe that?

In other tales of twin lovers, Nate and Serena set aside their study of human reproduction in favor of the other popular GG pastime: scheming. But alas, as we saw last week, they lack the brain power to properly plot out a trap and up against Evil Plotter Number One – Jack – they failed miserably. See they were trying to catch J with a few P’s to show C’s mom that J is really a liar and a cheat. But the twins being no match for Jack, they merely caught him in the act of speaking to two pretty little (fully dressed) things, a crime for which there is no consequence and hence no blackmail coin. So, like I said, not much happened with that.

Jenny on the other hand was a busy bee working once again for the legendary Eleanor Waldorf line. And what a hard day’s work it was! She had to get up at the crack of dawn, spend an hour applying and smudging just the right amount of black eye make-up, leave the house without even eating one waffle, and then spend the entire day sewing the hem on one entire dress, only to be rewarded with a position as a designer and a party will all her friends! OMG. Poor little J. But honestly, as shiny as that silver platter that her future is being served on to her is, the events of the evening did get a little hairy for a minute there. Damien apparently didn’t get the message last week that Little J is not doing any growing up with him and sent her a booty call text disguised as the classic “I need to pick up my $3,000 worth of pills from you” line. Hint, hint. Little J didn’t take the bait, smart girl, but her jealous dress hanger friend with the big mouth did and called him up! See she had a plan. She devised it on the fly too. The twins should pay attention to this crafty alcoholic not thin enough to be a real model model. They could learn a thing or two. Anyway, her plan was to get drugs for free, get high, get all her friends high, and give Jenny two – no three! – times the recommended dosage so that she passes out and embarrasses herself. Oh wait, and to get Jenny laid. What a bitch! Really I think she just wanted to get high for free and made up the rest of the plan to disguise her own addiction. Regardless, the plan failed! Well the getting laid part at least. Nate slipped into his superhero spandex just in the nick of time and flew across town to Jenny’s rescue! Hurrah hurrah! The gay superhero saves the virgin again.

Also happening but not really amounting to anything at the Waldorf pop-up fashion show was Blair’s plan to get her mummy’s line at Dillard’s or some shit like that. Always thinking outside of the box and with a willingness to spend like no other, Blair sent out Dorota to hire thirty prostitutes to dress up as regular all-American wholesome girls to fill the seats at the show. Surely this would work – because just spreading the word and putting up fliers around the NYU campus advertising free boos and a free fashion show for a famous designer never would. And wouldn’t you know it; the cat brought a rat in. The call girls did manage to keep their mini’s on but Nate’s secret call girl boyfriend showed up in the front row as well and made sexy eyes with the “I have a family” retail business man. Afraid to let the cameras see his true feelings the mid-western business man stormed off in a huff but not before Blair could get the scoop on him from Brandice and yell at him on his way out that she knows his dirty little secret. Stopping dead in his tracks he considers his options. Sell this successful line at his shitty chain or risk his public image and his fake marriage? See even the classless folks on this show are image obsessed and so he chooses to grovel at the feet of an eighteen year old girl in a headband. But just like everything else in this episode, the whole plot line amounts to nothing when Eleanor cancels the deal after realizing that selling her line at Target would mean social suicide. But thanks anyway, Blair! What’s that honey, you have no friends? Oh, well who needs friends when you have prostitutes! Right?

And finally, Chuck’s mom’s pathetic character arc completely deflates when she signs the Empire Hotel over to Evil Jack and then skips town. Where will she go? What can she possibly do to redeem herself now? Doesn’t she realize she has nothing without this show and the Bass men? How pointless. She was just another pawn on Jack’s chess board.

And that was how it ended. Blair and Chuck exchanged a passionate kiss in the wake of losing a hotel and a mom. A passionate kiss not to forget about the day’s losses, but rather, a passionate kiss to hone the grief that they share. To coddle the pain and to shape it until comes out sharp and shiny: a silver dagger that Chuck will drive into the heart of his wicked uncle. That is what Chuck and Blair do behind closed doors. I hope this ending was an indication that something may actually happen next week and that it won’t involve the disgusting Vanessa and Dan trail of vomit storyline.

Bass Out On His Ass, Jenny Humphrey Still Hump Free, This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

A lot happened on last night’s Gossip Girl. Chuck went from having a mommy to not having a mommy to having a mommy again and then finally to having a not-mommy-like mommy. What I mean is that as long as the DNA test wasn’t a fake then Elizabeth is Chuck’s real mom but she’s a total witch of a mom and doesn’t deserve the title of Mother of the Great Wild Bass and will henceforth be christened Wicked Elizabeth: Witch of Doe Eyed Deceit and Having an Enormous Rear End. For all the back and fourth I should have known this would turn out badly for Chuck the moment that his Evil Uncle Jack showed up. And Blair, I know you’re just trying to be there for your man but it’s getting a little corny. He’s yours, you’ve got him now, so please go back to your scheming and conniving ways. The angelic house-wife bit is boring and look at where it got Elin Woods, is that what you want? You need to make your man fight for you.

Speaking of fighting for a relationship, I think that Lily and Rufus are going to make it. Here’s why: Lily has been through so much with her thirty or so former husbands that not much fazes her at this point. As long as the gala event goes well and everyone is all smiles for the cameras, it wouldn’t make a difference to her if a murder was taking place behind closed doors. So as soon as she found out that Rufus was probably canoodling with the downstairs neighbor (Ugh – to live on one of those lower non-penthouse floors!) she let it go. Lily’s well of forgiveness is bottomless. And though this is not the case for Rufus, he realizes that he needs her to pay the rent and the kid’s tuition and the driver and the…. Well he just needs her. And he happens to love her too. So let him take his time and assert his manhood. It was no surprise when he confessed that he wasn’t even able to do it with the downstairs neighbor. I bet that was awkward! I predict that within the next two episodes Lily and Rufus will be back to doing disgusting parent sex.

And speaking of disgusting! Vanessa. Vanessa’s hair. Vanessa’s voice. Vanessa saying the phrase “friends with benefits” and saying this in reference to Dan. Vanessa saying, “Oh, and by the way, I’m not wearing any underwear,” to the abovementioned Dan. I can’t. I think I just swallowed my gum while gagging. I can’t see the computer screen because my eyes are watering uncontrollably. There’s something wet on my neck, oh, it’s blood, gross – my ear drums are bleeding.

All I have to say is that the National song that was playing when Dan showed up at Vanessa’s squatter den was a really great song. Operative word: was. The song is now forever ruined by the puke-tastic kiss that ensued.

Barbie and Ken, I mean, Serena and Nate keep trying to perform intercourse but can’t. They also keep trying to plot their way into the shows storyline but again, simply can’t. Just like their doll doppelgangers they are without the necessary parts down there and between the ears to get either job done. But heart they do have. At this week’s fancy-shmancy party Serena had on a heart shaped bustier with a see-through lace dress. And Nate, Nate always has his heart shaped dimples on; one on either side of his mouth and the third on the tip of his gay chin.

And finally, what would this recap be without telling the sad tale of our Little J? Oh, sweet Jenny, you may not have become a woman, but you learned a lot this week. Damien, who is very obviously evil (even to the likes of cobweb-headed Serena and Nate) given his moniker, has managed to fool little J. Brainwashed by the ancient Dutch incantations he whispered in her ears while she napped in his hotel room, Jenny chose him to be her first. The date was set and no amount of doll or daddy interference was going to stand in their way. Damien even punched Nate who appeared to black out for a moment afterwards but was really just giving himself a moment to take in the sweet sensation of being touched by another man, and a European at that! All clear for Little J and Damien and off to yet another room at the Empire Hotel they went to consternate their love. (Side Note: So long as all the kiddies on the show keep ditching school, college, and their parents, Chuck won’t have to worry about his reservation numbers at the hotel because all the rooms will continue to be full of our beloved cast members.) But once they got to the hotel room Damien showed his true evil self and left Little J alone in tears in the honeymoon suite. No more boyfriend but at least she still has her virginity. This is the moral our tale: never trust a foreigner.

But honestly J, how did you manage to convince yourself that Damien was good boyfriend material? I mean, he’s a terrible drug-dealer, only in town on a temporary basis, shorter then you, and he very clearly had a sister fetish! Gross. I say good riddance!

Four Things That I Like

If you like all these things too, then message me ‘cause we should be pen-pals.

Number One: Nine Inch Nails

That’s the gang during the self-destruct tour with the AT&T guy, remember him? And then there’s Trent throwing out a Les Paul because the song told him to...

Number Two: Street Art

This is one of the Banksy rats going up and complete, corner of Broadway and Howard in Chinatown.

Number Three: Chuck Bass and Chihuahuas

I think this can count as one thing.

Number Four: Liquid Sky

Anne Carlisle shown here as her own gay boyfriend with her lesbian girlfriend played by Paula E. Sheppard. I think you have to see the movie to get it.