Hit The Road Jack, And Don't Ya Come Back No More: This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

Last night on the premier of the new Chase Crawford movie, Twel – I mean on last night’s episode of Gossip Girl (Jeeze, how did I confuse the two?) the Upper East Side became a battlefield. Jenny battled Serena for Nate, Blair fought Jack for Chuck, Chuck betrayed Blair for the Empire, and Dan and Vanessa wrote crappy plays that they argued with each other about.

But before we get to that, more important matters need to be addressed. Last night, in the marble lobby, with the evening sun glinting through the revolving glass doors, Vanya got down on one knee and opened a little black box for Dorota to see. Inside was a diamond ring fit for a princess; Dorota squealed, Vanya put the ring on her finger, Eric awkwardly eye-sexed his new boyfriend, and all was a pastel blur of Eastern European smiles and sweet sweet dreams.

It was a day to celebrate. Dorota will finally have her king and Nate is one year older – in human years, at least. And for her boyfriend’s birthday Serena planned the most fabulous Upper East Side party she could muster, a game of Assassin. Wait, Assassin? That’s what the kids are doing these days? I must really be out of the loop. Anyway, she bought some handcuffs and holsters at Agent Provocateur and invited a bunch of NYU students that no one on the show actually knows (why couldn’t Blair just do this for the fashion show?) and they all waited for Nate to show up to yell “Surprise! Serena didn’t forget about your birthday after all, in fact she invited us all here to try to kill you today!” But nothing ever goes off without a hitch on Gossip Girl. Apparently the period of reforming herself ended this week when Jenny decided to try to get Nate dumped by Serena on his birthday. And though it didn’t work – yet – she did put in a pretty good effort: 1. She got him to blow off his plans with Grandfather to take her out to lunch instead; 2. She got him to stay with her past his Serena curfew of 3pm; 3. She got him to extend the lunch date with her to lunch and a movie; 4. She managed to assassin Serena right in front of him – Skank!; and 5. She kissed him, however unrequited, in the store room of some restaurant – Double skank! And on top of that she won the stupid fake assassination game. But in the end Jenny only evil-eyed her prize as he walked, handcuffed, up the stairs with Serena. Sad little J never gets what she wants.

Speaking of getting what he wants: Chuck. Boy, oh boy, does Chuck get what he wants. Well, what he thinks he wants, at least. See Jack had the Empire and Chuck needed to get it back to validate his success and to prove his dead father wrong. He needed the Empire back because without it he is a mopey-eyed sad bass. And the only thing that Jack would take in exchange for the Empire was Blair. But Chuck wouldn’t ever dream of asking her to defile herself that way, to be used for business. At least that’s what we all thought sitting captive on the couch. So Evil Jack went straight to Blair and propositioned her, and, like a classic Upper East Side Dame, she rebuffed him on his first try but caved for a Matthew Williamson gown. Actually, she was going to Jack for Chuck, because after spinning the moral dilemma she decided that to sleep with Jack for Chuck’s Empire was ok and worth a try. (By the way she couldn’t even run this one by Serena knowing she would shoot it down and Blair, if it involves sex and Serena thinks it’s morally wrong, then it is very very morally wrong.) But Blair put on the gown and went to Jack. Jack, however, stopped short with one kiss and told Blair the truth: that her beloved Chuck had set the whole thing up, had sent Jack to her, had bought the dress, had left the note, and had known that Blair would do it for him. Chuck knew that Blair would sleep with Jack and that Jack wouldn’t want to sleep with Blair if she had come to him sent from Chuck. He knew that Jack would tell Blair that she was set up by her man and that she would hate him forever for it. Chuck knew that Blair would see that the Empire was more important to him then her. And so it was.

With a slap in Chuck’s face, Blair went off into the cold night ruined and alone. And proud Chuck reclaimed his penthouse alone as well. But we know, that as sure as the sun will rise over Park Avenue, Chuck will see that Jack has won. And Chuck will see that he has nothing without love.

And that was all that happened that was worth recapping. Yes, a poor girl from Brooklyn and some hairy ape boy applied to Tisch, but no one cared. And yes, a little gay boy got asked out, but he had no friends and no parents so again, no one cared. Oh, well. It’s hard being a teen and it’s even harder being an Upper East Sider. And on this week’s battlefield, even the winners – Jenny the Assassin and Chuck the hotel proprietor once more – didn’t win.