The Week That Amounted To Absolutely Nothing On Gossip Girl

Not much really happened on last night’s Gossip Girl. Vanessa and Dan continued to induce puking with their talk of “benefits” and their slimy face mashing. Please, please for the love of God, go back to being just friends or frenemies or anything other than this. I don’t know how many more Monday nights I can spend cleaning the couch after I have involuntarily vomited all over it. I just paid off the Crate and Barrel credit card and now I may have to open up my account again for a new sofa, can you believe that?

In other tales of twin lovers, Nate and Serena set aside their study of human reproduction in favor of the other popular GG pastime: scheming. But alas, as we saw last week, they lack the brain power to properly plot out a trap and up against Evil Plotter Number One – Jack – they failed miserably. See they were trying to catch J with a few P’s to show C’s mom that J is really a liar and a cheat. But the twins being no match for Jack, they merely caught him in the act of speaking to two pretty little (fully dressed) things, a crime for which there is no consequence and hence no blackmail coin. So, like I said, not much happened with that.

Jenny on the other hand was a busy bee working once again for the legendary Eleanor Waldorf line. And what a hard day’s work it was! She had to get up at the crack of dawn, spend an hour applying and smudging just the right amount of black eye make-up, leave the house without even eating one waffle, and then spend the entire day sewing the hem on one entire dress, only to be rewarded with a position as a designer and a party will all her friends! OMG. Poor little J. But honestly, as shiny as that silver platter that her future is being served on to her is, the events of the evening did get a little hairy for a minute there. Damien apparently didn’t get the message last week that Little J is not doing any growing up with him and sent her a booty call text disguised as the classic “I need to pick up my $3,000 worth of pills from you” line. Hint, hint. Little J didn’t take the bait, smart girl, but her jealous dress hanger friend with the big mouth did and called him up! See she had a plan. She devised it on the fly too. The twins should pay attention to this crafty alcoholic not thin enough to be a real model model. They could learn a thing or two. Anyway, her plan was to get drugs for free, get high, get all her friends high, and give Jenny two – no three! – times the recommended dosage so that she passes out and embarrasses herself. Oh wait, and to get Jenny laid. What a bitch! Really I think she just wanted to get high for free and made up the rest of the plan to disguise her own addiction. Regardless, the plan failed! Well the getting laid part at least. Nate slipped into his superhero spandex just in the nick of time and flew across town to Jenny’s rescue! Hurrah hurrah! The gay superhero saves the virgin again.

Also happening but not really amounting to anything at the Waldorf pop-up fashion show was Blair’s plan to get her mummy’s line at Dillard’s or some shit like that. Always thinking outside of the box and with a willingness to spend like no other, Blair sent out Dorota to hire thirty prostitutes to dress up as regular all-American wholesome girls to fill the seats at the show. Surely this would work – because just spreading the word and putting up fliers around the NYU campus advertising free boos and a free fashion show for a famous designer never would. And wouldn’t you know it; the cat brought a rat in. The call girls did manage to keep their mini’s on but Nate’s secret call girl boyfriend showed up in the front row as well and made sexy eyes with the “I have a family” retail business man. Afraid to let the cameras see his true feelings the mid-western business man stormed off in a huff but not before Blair could get the scoop on him from Brandice and yell at him on his way out that she knows his dirty little secret. Stopping dead in his tracks he considers his options. Sell this successful line at his shitty chain or risk his public image and his fake marriage? See even the classless folks on this show are image obsessed and so he chooses to grovel at the feet of an eighteen year old girl in a headband. But just like everything else in this episode, the whole plot line amounts to nothing when Eleanor cancels the deal after realizing that selling her line at Target would mean social suicide. But thanks anyway, Blair! What’s that honey, you have no friends? Oh, well who needs friends when you have prostitutes! Right?

And finally, Chuck’s mom’s pathetic character arc completely deflates when she signs the Empire Hotel over to Evil Jack and then skips town. Where will she go? What can she possibly do to redeem herself now? Doesn’t she realize she has nothing without this show and the Bass men? How pointless. She was just another pawn on Jack’s chess board.

And that was how it ended. Blair and Chuck exchanged a passionate kiss in the wake of losing a hotel and a mom. A passionate kiss not to forget about the day’s losses, but rather, a passionate kiss to hone the grief that they share. To coddle the pain and to shape it until comes out sharp and shiny: a silver dagger that Chuck will drive into the heart of his wicked uncle. That is what Chuck and Blair do behind closed doors. I hope this ending was an indication that something may actually happen next week and that it won’t involve the disgusting Vanessa and Dan trail of vomit storyline.