Package From FedEx

This morning on the bus I found myself squeezed in between two ladies who had just gotten on at the previous stop and were, in their way, catching up on what had happened this weekend. Lets call them Sharon and Kimberley.

Sharon is the type of person that requires coffee in the morning but is always running late and has no time to make it at home. Therefore, her daily routine consists of running to catch the bus, rushing into the office to clock in within the three minute window that counts as on time, locating a dollar fifty in her purse and then going back downstairs to the lobby of her office building to purchase a large iced coffee from the Thai man with the cart by the elevators. At this point she rides the elevator back upstairs and saunters over to her desk, suckling the straw like a babe. After this morning ritual is complete, with straw still in mouth and caffeine reaching brain, Sharon is then able to perform simple tasks such as small talk and weekend recapping. However, before the cycle is complete, say for example, while she is still on the bus on the way to the office and the coffee, these human tasks are unfathomable.

Kimberley, on the other hand, does not drink coffee. She is full of energy at all hours, even on the Monday morning following the Spring Forward time change. This being the modus operandi of our two women, their weekend catch up involved Kimberley telling the most detailed story I have ever heard before lunch and Sharon quietly listening, eyes motionless, faintly smiling at the appropriate moments.

This was Kimberley’s story – “Remember the FedEx guy that I told you about before? No? The one that pulled me into the freight elevator and stuck his- No, you don’t? Well the FedEx guy, he pulled me into the elevator and stuck his tongue down my throat. Real good looking guy, nice guy, really handsome. Made out in the freight elevator. Well you know Carroll? Well Carroll liked him I guess. Thought he was a real looker and he is. Handsome guy. So she liked him and got wind that he liked me and that I liked him and, wouldn’t you know it, got jealous. So jealous she called his supervisor and said he wasn’t doing his job or some nonsense. Twice she called. Can you believe it? Well you know what I did? I called the supervisor right after and told him what was up. Told him that Carroll was just jealous that he liked me and not her. Jealous that he wasn’t responding to her. You know, picking up on her little flirts. Well, it was to no avail. They moved him, yep. He doesn’t deliver to our building anymore. In the neighborhood still, delivers next door. That’s why we never see him anymore, hadn’t you been wonderin’? No, well. He delivers elsewhere now and we have a new FedEx guy, you’ve seen him. Well anyway, I got to chatting with the new guy, he says his buddy wants my number, you know, the old FedEx guy. Says he wants to call me. Well I give him my number and he texted me. Flirty you know. Says he just broke up with his girlfriend and I’m like yeah I’m down. He’s single now so I can play. Well, were texting now all the time. Texted all weekend. Good looking guy. I was up until two in the morning last night texting him. What do ya think of that?”

And what does one think of that? Quite a story is what I thought. You can’t make that sort of entanglement up. Thank God I live in a city where I am crammed against complete strangers on a daily basis. On busses, subways, in the Starbucks across the street from my office in Time’s Square, I get the meatiest of stories. I wonder how it’s going to end up for Kimberley and the FedEx guy. He sounds great; handsome, at the very least. I hope it doesn’t end with him sticking his tongue down the throat of some office temp in the freight elevator next door.