Bass Out On His Ass, Jenny Humphrey Still Hump Free, This Week's Gossip Girl Recap

A lot happened on last night’s Gossip Girl. Chuck went from having a mommy to not having a mommy to having a mommy again and then finally to having a not-mommy-like mommy. What I mean is that as long as the DNA test wasn’t a fake then Elizabeth is Chuck’s real mom but she’s a total witch of a mom and doesn’t deserve the title of Mother of the Great Wild Bass and will henceforth be christened Wicked Elizabeth: Witch of Doe Eyed Deceit and Having an Enormous Rear End. For all the back and fourth I should have known this would turn out badly for Chuck the moment that his Evil Uncle Jack showed up. And Blair, I know you’re just trying to be there for your man but it’s getting a little corny. He’s yours, you’ve got him now, so please go back to your scheming and conniving ways. The angelic house-wife bit is boring and look at where it got Elin Woods, is that what you want? You need to make your man fight for you.

Speaking of fighting for a relationship, I think that Lily and Rufus are going to make it. Here’s why: Lily has been through so much with her thirty or so former husbands that not much fazes her at this point. As long as the gala event goes well and everyone is all smiles for the cameras, it wouldn’t make a difference to her if a murder was taking place behind closed doors. So as soon as she found out that Rufus was probably canoodling with the downstairs neighbor (Ugh – to live on one of those lower non-penthouse floors!) she let it go. Lily’s well of forgiveness is bottomless. And though this is not the case for Rufus, he realizes that he needs her to pay the rent and the kid’s tuition and the driver and the…. Well he just needs her. And he happens to love her too. So let him take his time and assert his manhood. It was no surprise when he confessed that he wasn’t even able to do it with the downstairs neighbor. I bet that was awkward! I predict that within the next two episodes Lily and Rufus will be back to doing disgusting parent sex.

And speaking of disgusting! Vanessa. Vanessa’s hair. Vanessa’s voice. Vanessa saying the phrase “friends with benefits” and saying this in reference to Dan. Vanessa saying, “Oh, and by the way, I’m not wearing any underwear,” to the abovementioned Dan. I can’t. I think I just swallowed my gum while gagging. I can’t see the computer screen because my eyes are watering uncontrollably. There’s something wet on my neck, oh, it’s blood, gross – my ear drums are bleeding.

All I have to say is that the National song that was playing when Dan showed up at Vanessa’s squatter den was a really great song. Operative word: was. The song is now forever ruined by the puke-tastic kiss that ensued.

Barbie and Ken, I mean, Serena and Nate keep trying to perform intercourse but can’t. They also keep trying to plot their way into the shows storyline but again, simply can’t. Just like their doll doppelgangers they are without the necessary parts down there and between the ears to get either job done. But heart they do have. At this week’s fancy-shmancy party Serena had on a heart shaped bustier with a see-through lace dress. And Nate, Nate always has his heart shaped dimples on; one on either side of his mouth and the third on the tip of his gay chin.

And finally, what would this recap be without telling the sad tale of our Little J? Oh, sweet Jenny, you may not have become a woman, but you learned a lot this week. Damien, who is very obviously evil (even to the likes of cobweb-headed Serena and Nate) given his moniker, has managed to fool little J. Brainwashed by the ancient Dutch incantations he whispered in her ears while she napped in his hotel room, Jenny chose him to be her first. The date was set and no amount of doll or daddy interference was going to stand in their way. Damien even punched Nate who appeared to black out for a moment afterwards but was really just giving himself a moment to take in the sweet sensation of being touched by another man, and a European at that! All clear for Little J and Damien and off to yet another room at the Empire Hotel they went to consternate their love. (Side Note: So long as all the kiddies on the show keep ditching school, college, and their parents, Chuck won’t have to worry about his reservation numbers at the hotel because all the rooms will continue to be full of our beloved cast members.) But once they got to the hotel room Damien showed his true evil self and left Little J alone in tears in the honeymoon suite. No more boyfriend but at least she still has her virginity. This is the moral our tale: never trust a foreigner.

But honestly J, how did you manage to convince yourself that Damien was good boyfriend material? I mean, he’s a terrible drug-dealer, only in town on a temporary basis, shorter then you, and he very clearly had a sister fetish! Gross. I say good riddance!